Jealousy. If you're like every other human being, just the thought of it makes you cringe. It means that your other half has done something to make you doubt the sincerity of your relationship. Or maybe it's that you've done something to make your partner jealous. Whatever caused it, we all know the feeling is viciously uncomfortable.
What causes jealousy? It's usually the lack of communication. We had an immense problem with jealousy a few years ago. Ron and I had been swinging for 11 years or so. We had ironed out all our little problems, decided what our guidelines were and what made each of us uncomfortable. We had been going to a lot of house parties and we had decided that since we always knew everyone that we felt comfortable enough to not swing together. After a few of these parties, Ron became sullen and withdrawn. I felt as if I had broken one of the rules, but after considering them all, I couldn't see it. So I kept asking him, and he simply told me over and over that nothing was wrong. After almost a year of this non-communication, we had an argument where I blurted out that we should drop out of the lifestyle. I hated feeling badly, but I didn't know what I had done. He finally told me that when we went to parties I went off and had a great time, leaving him with the ladies that sat around in the kitchen that had their periods. He was jealous that I was partying and he wasn't. What an eye opener that was for me! We talked together for a long time about a solution. In the end, we decided to remain in the lifestyle and made some changes to our rules. The feeling that Ron had was definitely jealousy, brought on by the fact that I was having more fun than he was!
Another couple tells this story: "When we first went to a club, it began to dawn on me that women have all the power in this lifestyle, which made me look at my wife in a different way. I'm a dominant guy naturally, so to not have control worried me. Anyway, we went to a house party, and discussed all sorts of rules before we went. I didn't feel that comfortable to be honest. She ended up being with two guys. I went to find her to tell her that I wanted to leave, and she'd just gone off with them. I was pretty angry and extremely jealous of the attention she was getting, and what she was doing with it." This couple has since worked out the bugs in their relationship and they say, " One thing we did learn about jealousy though, is it only happens when you aren't getting anything."
True, but not the entire issue. Another avenue to look at is the jealousy caused by your significant other getting some kind of satisfaction from another that you are unable to provide. Another couple we knew a long time ago almost broke up because of jealousy. The woman was very honest that she had trouble reaching an orgasm. They partied with a lot of people, and the more they did, the more jealous her boyfriend became. His problem was that he thought that some other guy would bring her to an orgasm when he was unable to do that. He could lose her, he thought. In the end, they dropped out of the lifestyle because they were not able to resolve the conflict. He was simply terrified that someone else could give her what he couldn't. What he didn't realize is that the cure for jealousy of that nature is the simple knowing that you can and do provide each other with something you can't get from another in a swinging relationship - love. After all, when you enter a swinging relationship, you're not looking for a romance; you're looking for friendship and fun. So how come that doubt enters so many situations? "Doubt is when men feel insecure because they are unable to get as much as their partner. They feel like they ought to be able to keep up." This from a man involved with his significant other for many years. "Doubt ? Seeing a smile on her face that another man put there is enough. Knowing that others can and will do it is enough. Not being totally sure of my place in her affections is enough." Is this relationship ready for swinging?
How secure are we all really? My husband just told me that even now, after 21 years of swinging, he still gets jealous when I can have more partners than he can. Is it completely impossible to resolve this? NO! Communication is the key. If you communicate with each other about everything it's possible to resolve everything. Now that I know that he gets jealous when we are finished with one couple and I have an opportunity to be with another, I really need to ask him first. If it bothers him, I need to trust him enough to tell me. And he needs to trust me enough to know I'll sit that one out.
However, maybe it's not really a lack of trust or even a lack of self worth. Maybe it's just a matter of the very human emotion attached to sharing someone you love. "Something that works for us, is the day after a party, we make a point of doing something that reinforces that between us, a gift, a statement, something that makes the point that you love each other." This is so very true. Couples who make it a point to refresh their relationship after each and every swinging experience have fewer problems. Talking on the ride home, making love when you get home, touching each other in a way no one else can reinforces your primary relationship. Neither of you has to wonder where you stand with the other. We all need to be told that we matter the most. Even those of us who have been together for many years. Human beings respond to positive stroking much quicker than nothing. You love each other, so tell each other.
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